"Forget Prince Charming. I'll take the wolf." - Emily the Strange

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Not A Damper

My confidence was at an all-time high last Saturday because of the Intuitive Tarot Card Reading Seminar that I attended. First, because I got in for free. The first time they held the event, I was just hanging out in AWHAI's office to wait for my dad as he was enrolled in the seminar. I was there to hitch a ride home with my dad and sat in one corner minding my business as I was tired after coming there (at AWHAI) from work. I was surprised when Tita Jo, my Reiki master and as well as my dad's, called me and gestured for me to join them. I initially thought that I'd be the guinea pig for one of the students taking the course. It was only much later on that I found out that Tita Jo paid for the seminar fee. When the seminar ended, the facilitator Nouel asked me to come back the next time the seminar would be offered as I was only able to catch the last quarter of the lecture and exercises.

Second reason, everything just seemed like it fell into place. Saturdays, I'm usually in Pampanga because of my job but last week was very different. My dad only gave me a couple of days notice about the new schedule for the seminar. I planned to be absent on that particular day and was thinking of a good excuse when I got a text message from Angel around 5 pm last Friday. She told me that there wasn't any available driver for the next day to take us to Pampanga and that they had to cancel it. Whew, that certainly saved me from committing an act that would disrupt my good karma.

Third, I found out that I'm actually good at Tarot card reading. The method that Nouell taught me certainly worked for me although I still need a lot of practice and a lot of readings are needed for me to master this new craft I'm involved in. It felt weird at first because I'm not sure if what I'm saying to the person that I'm reading for is true. I was rather apprehensive because the way I got my 'readings' was through impressions of the cards when I hear from other people that they got their's from a voice inside their head. It's certainly a good way off from what they show in the tv or in the movies. My hesitation and doubt was greatly allayed when I got the feedback from a couple of people that my reading is accurate with every activity that we did.

I was supposed to write about this one damper that happened over the weekend but I just forgot about it upon reminiscing how much fun I had. Oh well, at least changing my title isn't so hard.

Monday, August 29, 2005


I was in Makati early Saturday morning (I was there around 7:30 am) for my Intuitive Tarot Card Reading class at AWHAI (Alternative Wholistic Healing Arts Inc)'s office in Cityland Tower Valero. Nobody was there when I got to the building so I just waited near the elevator. 15 mins went by with no sign of anybody coming soon so I texted my dad and it was only then that I found out that the schedule has been moved from 8 to 9 am. My dad, on the other hand, forgot about giving me a heads up. I was quite annoyed because I could've spent 1 1/2 hours more in bed. Anyway, I decided to go down the street and hang out at Starbucks to grab something to eat as I didn't really have anything to do.

After getting my Mango Tea and my chocolate eclair from the counter, I proceeded to the second floor and positioned myself in the couch next to the window so that I could see my dad's vehicle if he's already in the area. I was busy looking at nothing when this girl that was crossing the street caught my eye. She was wearing a red shirt and shoulder-lenght hair that was wavy towards the end. I was surprised to see Cathy walking past where I was so I called her to let know I'm nearby and hoped that we'd get to chat for an hour or two since it's been ages since I last saw her.

Three rings later, I hear Cathy's voice on the other line and it sounded a little groggy. I asked her where she was and I was just dumbfounded - she's in Pagsanjan with Tom! I told her about seeing her cross the street and we were both freaked out because what I saw was her doppelganger! If I only had the chance and the opportunity to locate where she was headed so I could talk to her and maybe schedule an appointment between her and Cathy.

I wish I'd see her again. It was amazing because she looked exactly like Cathy - from the hairstyle to her lithe figure. Cathy and I, at this point, are brewing up a thousand and one conspiracy theories on why there's a carbon copy of her walking around the metropolis. We're certainly anxious about solving the mystery once and for all.

Monday, August 22, 2005

The Book of Erotica

About a week and a half ago, I didn’t go to work because I woke up with a fever and a major hang-over. The day before, I was over at Miguel’s crib together with our students (Miguel’s a co-worker) from the School of Journalism – they threw a despedida in his honor as Miguel was set to resign by the following week. As expected, there was a lot of booze and pot and about a dozen pieces of Valium. Our student JP appointed himself as the bartender and started to work on his concoction as soon as we got to Miguel’s flat – one Red Horse Grande, a small bottle of gin and some pineapple juice mix. It tasted weird at first but I eventually got the hang of the taste. To make a long story short, I’ve had a lot of fun ;p

Anyhoo, I felt so sick the next day that I had to stay in the bathroom for an hour or two. I sat in a corner in a crouched position, my back leaning against the door and I was only a couple of steps away from the toilet bowl. I was throwing up a lot and I just couldn’t remember the last time that I felt so miserable. JP’s concoction (I don’t know what he calls it) was smooth but it was a major killer.

I couldn’t sleep anymore when I got back to my bed so I decided to browse up on my reading. I remember that I still have the book that Jewel lent to me so I grabbed it from my shelf and started to devour the book. I spent the entire weekend in bed “recuperating” reading excerpts from the world’s most erotic pieces. Having a very active imagination, I was able to picture in my head what was happening to the characters with every line and with every page. I was in such a state of arousal that I just cannot not pleasure myself. What a way to recuperate!

My favorites from “Sensuous Highlights from the World’s Most Erotic Pieces” would have to be Henry Miller’s autobiography entitled “My Life and Loves” and another piece called “Sin for Breakfast (I forgot who the author was).” The former is a narration of all his sexual conquests starting from his teenage years with E, his married American lover until Sophie, the hot African-American chic that was exceptional in the technique department. The latter, on the other hand, is a fictional story about a man reading his wife’s journal on all her extra-marital affairs.

The excerpt that I liked the least was that of Cassanova. I find the manner of his writing too artsy-fartsy for a man reputedly to be one of the world’s best lovers, if not THE best. It was way too detailed (normally, it is good for such the erotica genre) but in his case, it just made his work too dragging.

Anyhoo, I’m now on the hunt for a copy of India’s “The Perfumed Garden” which is very similar to the Kama Sutra. Next on my reading list would be Anne Rice’s The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty, Beauty’s Punishment and Beauty’s Release after I finish Holy Blood, Holy Grail.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

The New White House Executive Chef

I don't really know what I'm thinking by posting this but I thought this piece of info is kind of interesting. I was, as usual, watching the news over the internet (I know, it's kind of oxymoronic) when I came across the clip about the new White House Executive Chef. Surprisingly, the one appointed to the job is a naturalized American citizen named Cristeta Comerford. I initially thought that it must be a Filipina because who else in the world would dare name their kid Cristeta? Turns out, I was right. The reporter mentioned at the end of the reportage that she was born in the Philippines.

I did some further research and found out that she was a Food Tech graduate from UP, worked in Vienna (Austria), two hotels in Washington and was employed as an Assistant Chef at the White House for 10 years. What I'm not sure of though, is why she left the country. With the family name that she now carries, by virtue of deductive reasoning, points to the conclusion that she married a foreigner.

This is definitely good news as it shows some of the best people, professionals at that, that the Philippines can offer. On the other hand, it also deeply saddens me as it somehow gives me the impression that it indirectly points to the problem of not having enough jobs, or it there is - they're usually not of good quality, in the country since I could remember.

Back in grade school, the phrase "brain drain" stuck in my head before I could even fully grasp the meaning behind the concept. Just last month, I was able to read a Time magazine article that heralds migrant workers as the Philippines' biggest export, surpassing material things such as electronic goods by such a wide margin.

With the current situation that the Philippines is facing - polical instability, oil price hike followed by the price increase of basic commodities - I can't blame people for wanting to bail and live somewhere else on another part of the world. In fact, our company driver, Kuya Edgar, is counting the days until his girlfriend flies to Washington to be a school teacher. My friend Lea will be flying to the United States by next month and all of us in our high school posse are assuming that we'll probably never see her again. My other friend Cher, also from my high school posse, is fixing her papers to work in the States as an Occupational Therapist.

Tsk, tsk, tsk...what'll happen to the Philippines if everybody leaves? I can't help but think about the general populace who will suffer because of the lack of primary caregivers (such as nurses), teachers and the like as all of them have already migrated to the United Kingdom, the United States, Canada, New Zealand or the Middle East.

Monday, August 15, 2005

What the F*ck?!?

Sh*t! What have I gotten myself into? I'm inside the SJ Lab 1 in the middle of class pretending to listen to the students' presentations. I'm here on an observer status, learning the ropes while Miguel still has the time to orient me on my new challenge - handling a class...a college class at that!

Miguel's been handing the students from our company's School of Journalism since the classes started earlier this year. Now that he's resigning, I'm the one that got temporarily assigned to take his place. I reacted like a deer caught in headlights - eyes wide with disbelief. I don't teach. I'm not qualified to teach. I can't teach for crying out loud! This isn't real. Then can't be serious about giving me this assignment. Sure I can talk the talk (which is with a natural American accent) but I don't think I'm fit to teach!

I walk into SoJ's Admin Room, greeted the administrator Dr. Boares and told her I'm Miguel's replacement. She was dumbfounded and was immediately in a state of hysteria as soon as I uttered those words. It was only this morning that she found out about today being Miguel's last day. She was extremely annoyed by the fact that Miguel began introducing me to his class as his replacement last Friday without their knowledge. She started to talk in tongues in front of me asking for my resume and my credentials to teach. At the back of my mind, I'm thinking I don't have any credentials to speak of, only the instructions from the powers that be, at least in my company.

We immediately called Ms. Ress, our HR manager and tried to sort the situation. She told us the last time she talked to Miguel, he committed to continue teaching until the end of the semester (last day's September 23). When I talked to Miguel, he told me that he wasn't able to receive any offer sheets as an SoJ faculty member after his resignation from TMTLI takes effect so he assumed he don't need to show up for the rest of the sem after today. To make matters even more complicated, he already has a plane ticket back to Hong Kong on the 22nd or the 23rd.

I don't know how this'll play out in the end but I sure hope I won't be stuck in the middle of it just because Miguel's too fucking hard headed and management's too pre-occupied by a thousand things. I meet with the HR manager for further instruction or if they have a resolution for the ruckus at hand but nada.

After an hour or two, Ms. Ress barges in the facilitator's room and dropped another bombshell on me - I'll take my boss Mike's place at the meeting with ABS-CBN's Director for their Talent Center about our company's partnership by tomorrow Tuesday. Holy f*%#@^$ piece of sh?t! This is way out of my league!!!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

7 Things

Seven things that scare you:
1. cockroaches (especially the ones that fly)
2. big, hairy spiders
3. not being good enough
4. having a lot of regrets when I'm old & wrinkly
5. being stuck in an elevator full of people and I’m high ‘cuz I get claustrophobic
6. ?
7. ?

Seven things you like the most:
1. shopping!!!
2. my cell phone
3. flirting
4. snogging & …
5. mah friends!!!!!
6. mah books (especially my Emily the Strange stuff)
7. my laptop

Seven important things in your room:
1. kikay kit
2. CD player
3. books
4. wardrobe (especially my shoes)
5. fave fleece blanket
6. bean bag
7. sex drawer

Seven random facts about you:
1. The first impression that people get of me is I’m very shy and quiet
2. I tend to accumulate too much sh*t
3. I love to travel
4. I love a good bargain especially if it has something to do with expanding my wardrobe
5. I have 7 piercings in my right ear, only 1 on my left
6. I have 2 tattoos near the base of my spine
7. I’m addicted to blogging (www.diamondblue.blogspot.com)

Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. raise a kid or two and make sure they’re not as neurotic as me
2. not leave a debt for my kin to pay due to my being shopaholic
3. tie up all the loose ends with those that I have karmic ties to
4. go to Egypt and visit all the places with a connection to mummies
5. know how to read the hieroglyphs
6. write for a newspaper/magazine
7. learn how to move my bootie

Seven things you can do:
1. sew (either manual or by using a machine)
2. crochet
3. bake (it’s better than my cooking)
4. name the capitals of the countries of the world
5. lock myself up in my room for days to read books
6. shop til I drop
7. be the laziest person on earth

Seven things you can't do:
1. get hitched
2. dance (I got 2 left feet)
3. sing
4. go to the gym (I’d rather work out at home)
5. explain grammatical rules to other people
6. swim
7. be unpunctual or be awol for work

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:(in no particular order)
1. intelligence
2. someone that I enjoy talking to a lot
3. knows how to use his tool
4. great eyes
5. well-rounded (not too serious, not too happy-go-lucky)
6. asks for directions when he’s lost
7. I like them a little healthy so they’re huggable like a teddy bear ;p

Seven celeb crushes (whether local or foreign)
1. Angelina Jolie
2. Scarlet Johanssen
3. John Cusack
4. Maksim
5. Clive Owen
6. Harrison Ford
7. Portia de Rossi

Seven people you want to see to take this quiz:
1. Cathy
2. Kestrel
3. Ada
4. Lala
5. Racqs
6. Jen

7. Angel

My Song

I was watching some videos on msn.com and I happen to stumble upon Lalaine's (as in Lizzie Maguire's best friend Miranda) debut single. I thought the single's cool plus I thought the it fit me to a T. I'm also ecstatic because I finally found the complete French lyrics for La Vie En Rose. I know diddly-squat about the French language but there's just something about the song that just draws me in. You better listen to the song to find out for yourselves how good it is.

XS: I've just finished the English translation for the article Almost, But Not Quite

I'm Not Your Girl

You want a girl who does what's right
The kind that's always there beside you
Someone who's quiet and polite
Like staying home on every Friday night
Well all that sounds so cute and sweet
But that doesn't do a thing for me

I'm really not that boring
I'm headstrong and annoying
So I don't see me fitting in your world
I'm noisy and I'm messy
Plus you would never get me
Hey I think you're really hot
But I'm not your girl

You're into good and that's too bad
So save your flowers and your poetry
You take a hint, I'll take a cab
You go to bed, I'll find a party
Typical is what you're after
Not some beautiful disaster

I'm really not that boring
I'm headstrong and annoying
So I don't see me fitting in your world
I'm noisy and I'm messy
Plus you would never get me
Hey I think you're really hot
But I'm not your

Girl that you've been looking for
Boy I'm not the girl next door
Be happy that I'm letting you off easy
Oh yeah

I'm really not that boring
I'm headstrong and annoying
So I don't see me fitting in your world
I'm noisy and I'm messy
Plus you would never get me
Hey I think you're really hot
But I'm not your girl

(I'm not your girl)
I'm not your girl
(I'm not your girl)
I'm not your girl
(I'm not your girl)
I'm not your girl
(I'm not your girl)
(I'm not your girl)
No no no
I'm not
(I'm not your girl)
Boy you need to see
I'm not your girl

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Relationship Blues

All three girls are in a relationship - Cathy and Thomas, Jewel and Robert, Kestrel and Miki (did I spell it right?) and I'm the only one who's still unattached. I'd be bullshit if tell anybody that I don't feel even an iota of envy. It's cool that they have significant others and I'm very much happy for them but I also can't help but think that I'm the odd one out.

Right now there's a lot of 'what if's' in my head. What if I never asked Gilbert that question? Would I be happier now if I had left our "relationship" as undefined? What if I stuck to the promise I made to myself to take it slow with the next guy I dated (namely, Gilbert)? What if I try to rekindle the flame with Richard? What if I hook up with JP (a guy I met a couple of weeks ago but is too shy to ask me out)? What'll happen with the blind date my co-worker Sol is setting up for me?

Being unattached is not bad at all since I have all the time in the world to do everything I please but somehow, you just can't not feel a little bit lonely when you see everyone around you is in coupeldom. I’m not one to pin my happiness on another person but I do have to admit that I miss the feeling of being somebody’s special somebody and of having things that only the two of you both share.


Last Sunday, I was texting my friend Leah. She has about one month left before she leaves for the States and there’s this possibility that she might not be able to come back. Her parents are against her boyfriend because he has a child out of wedlock. She’s worried about her boyfriend Eric because he's always out of town for his business lately. If and when he's back in Manila, she feels that he’s not spending enough time with her even though they call or text each other everyday. They’ve been thinking about getting hitched for quite some time now.

She asks me for advice and this is what I tell her – “Bk nmn may imprtanteng rson sha kung bkit d sha nkkdlw (Maybe he has an important reason why he’s not able to visit you). I knw u’r lonely & u miss him a lot but do undrstnd tht whtever he’s doin s 4 d bth f u. He has a lot 2 prove 2 ur prents. It cld b also tht putting sm distnce btwn u is hs way f coping w/ ur departure. Jst b hnest 2 him bout hw u feel & never give up.”

She told me that if I’m the one who gives advice, it always makes sense. The question is if I give good advice, how come I’m never able to apply it to myself? Could it be because an outsider sees things from a different perspective compared to the those involved?

Almost, But Not Quite

I just got this spam from one of my classmates way back in high school. This is exactly why I want to be crystal clear about the status of my relationships whether it be just dating or going steady.

This Side Up : *Parang kayo, pero hindi*

She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met and became lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be "friends." They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure she's okay. They still date. They still have candy. They don't see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each other but when asked about their situation, she doesn't know the real score. Even her friends are in the dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi."

She works in telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in the same barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman (Why do they always go on their own during overnight drinking sessions)? Why does he hold her close on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding hands lagi (Why do they always hold hands)? Sila kaya (Are they together)? "He hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and kiss me. "Parang kami, pero hindi."

They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and never talked about it. He said "I love you" once but she wasn't sure if she heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing she is sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she's assuming that with what he's doing to her and with her, he likes her, too. There's just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!

She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out. They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that "sila na (they're a couple)" but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't talk about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her friends. "What's important is I am enjoying this -- whatever it is."

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala (They may have agreed upon it verbally or they may have not). One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi (it's also possible that one or both of you didn't). You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari (No formal courtship happened). Hindi kayo mag-dyowa (You're not a couple). Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi (But with your actions, with what both of you are saying, you seem to be together but you're not).

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan (you just don't want to get back together).

It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam (you and the guy/girl are trying to figure out if the both of you feel the same way) . Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna (It's also possible that you just don't want to take things seriously so you opt to go for the pseudo-relationship). Testing lang (You're just testing the waters).

Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na (It is also possible that you can't be a couple because one of you -- usually they guy -- has a significant other already). Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo" (Until such time as he breaks up with the girl (he tells you he's going to break up with her soon but he still hasn't done it yet), you don't have any relationship to speak of so it wouldn't technically be considered as cheating because "you're not together").

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro" (Especially if you're only looking for someone to "have fun" with).

Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan (Just don't expect that it'll lead to something because there's no assurance).

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan (So why are there a lot of people that choose to settle with this kind of set up when there is no assurance that it'll lead to something)?

Iba't ibang dahilan (There are many reasons). Puwedeng for fun lang (It could be just for fun). Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom" (It could be "better to have something than nothing" or it could also be your ticket to your next meal). Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian (Meaning, until the real thing arrives, you stay put with the pseudo-relationship).

For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig (there's no direct translation for this Tagalog word but it is somewhat akin to having butterflies in your stomach)" feeling.

Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako (I do admit that once upon a time, I did have pseudo-relationships). No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala (better to have something than nothing)."

Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling (All that I'm after is the feeling of having butterflies in your stomach). Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko (Where there's someone who asks you how your day went). Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing (Wherein you have someone to cuddle with in beach outings). Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message (Wherein you smile when you hear your cellphone ringing because you know the message came from him/her). Iyong merong laging kasama (Wherein you always have someone with you). Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan (Until the real thing arrives, you'll make do with what you have).

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi (the woman always gets the shortchanged).

Una (First), you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo (What's your place in each other's lives)? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi (Do you have the right to ask him to pick you up from somewhere when it's really late)? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos (What are you to him for you to get jealous)?

Pangalawa (Second), what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya (You might only be assuming that he loves you too). Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang (You just might embarrass yourself). This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo (Third), what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Isa pang (Another) downside ng (of) pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship (you don't know where to put yourself in a pseudo-relationship). Wala kang pinanghahawakan (You don't have anything to hold on to). Kasi sa (Because in) pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang (There is only) "you and me," hindi (not) "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo (It'll be okay if you'll only feel pseudo-pain). Kaso, hindi eh (But the thing is, it's not). Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun (even if the pseudo-relationship's over, you can't help but hope that it'll have a continuance one day). And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.

Ang hirap, ano (It's hard isn't it)? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.

Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh (But you can always prevent feeling the pain). Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future (You could just not think of the future) and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili (you would have to choose). You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka (If I can't talk you out of it, fine have it your way). Magpakasaya ka (Be happy). Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita (Just don't come to me crying afterwards or I will kick your ass)."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo (The bottom line is if it makes you happy then do it). Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence (Just prepare yourself for the consequences). Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo (The "parang kayo pero hindi" stage rarely leads to a real relationship). Usually, hanggang doon lang siya (that's where it ends)…almost, but not quite.

Hits and Misses

I really thought I found a gem in Gilbert but the circumstances proved me wrong. That prick pulled a fuck-and-dump on me over the weekend and I am still seething about it. He had this goody-two-shoe aura around him so it was kinda hard to imagine how much of a horny bastard he was.

Anyway, I last saw him about one weekend ago - he wanted us to spend the night at one of the numerous motels in the Pasig area. The fact that one of his former co-workers now works for The Flower Group (the chain of motels named after flowers, hence the name) was an even bigger motivation because we could easily get free accomodations with just one phone call (being such a cheap-ass should have been a dead give-away). I was able to convince him though to watch Wedding Crashers instead but that did not stop him from making a move whilst inside his car.

Fast forward to a week later - we were communicating through text messages when I asked him a one-liner question: 'Where's all this leading to?' I just wanted to know where we stand because after all, we seem to act like we're already a couple. Plus, he initiated everything from asking me out, holding my hand, kissing me, calling me by his term of endearment and doing the deed (it wasn't good, I had to fake an orgasm so as not to hurt his ego). Our set-up is quite unusual to me as I'm almost always the aggressive one.

No response from him for hours. He was preparing to take the entrance test for employment at P&G when I asked him that question so I first thought that it's okay 'coz the test might've started already. Texted him that afternoon, no response and he didn't answer my two phone calls. I was so pissed by his passivity that I sent him my last text message - 'I've tried my best to talk to you but this is how you respond. Fine, I get it. Thanks na lang for everything.'

I've read an article from MSN's Dating and Personals site that it's typically the woman who acts very passive/aggressive during break-ups. So who's the wuss now? If you don't want to see me anymore or if I'm meant to be just a fling then say so instead of acting like an egregious bitch cowering in her silence. I'm a big girl, I can handle whatever you hurl at me, milksop.

The only time that we get to see each other is during the weekends. Friday night while I was at the mall, he told me he can't go out due to the test he's about to take which is a valid excuse. I'm not sure if it is true but he told me that he's not free Saturday night either due to his uncle holding a birthday party and that his mom only told him about it that night. There's this saying in my country - "Pag ayaw maraming dahilan, pag gusto maraming paraan (If you don't like it there's a lot of excuses, if you like it there's a lot of ways to go about it)."

Saturday morning, I went downstairs for breakfast when I noticed my 4-year-old cousin Stephanie playing with one of our tenants' son Joshua. I was amazed by how open and vocal they were about what they wanted to happen to the storyline of their little game. How come as adults we lose that type of communication and have to resort to mind games? What happened between then and now to have made that type of communication scarce? Is it societal pressures or how different the brain is hardwired between males and females? The fact that the book 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus' became very popular some 10 odd years ago or so doesn't help either.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Post Break Up Anthems

Shortly after a break-up, I always find myself being drawn to music for comfort when the wound's still too fresh for you to talk about it with your friends; when you're still too shocked for things to properly register in your head. I'm way over the mope around stage but somehow, these two songs still resonate very strongly within me.

SMILE (Tamia Washington)

Sometimes I sit at home and wonder how it'd be if he had loved me

Truly loved me, yes
I learned a while ago that kind of thing
It never happens for me
And so I go around and just pretend
Love is not for me
I play the circus clown around my friends
Make them laugh and they won't see
That u never let them see u sweat
Don't want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord know it's killing me

So I put on my make up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone ask me
Everything is ok
I'm laughing 'cuz no one
Knows the joke is on me
'Cuz I'm dying inside with my pride
And a smile on my face
On my face
Singing la la la, la la, la la la,
La la, la la, la la, la la, la la
La la la laaaa

Sometimes I sit at home by the phone
Hopin' he might call me
But he don't call me
But then I realize dreams come true
Aren't for girls like me
Not like me
And so I go around with my head up
Like it ain't no thing
And when the boys are out with all my friends
I'm into other things
'Cuz u never let them see u sweat
Don't want them to think the pain runs deep
Lord knows it's killing me

And so I put on my make up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone ask me
Everything is ok
I'm laughing cuz no one
Knows the joke is on me
But I'm dying inside with my pride
And a smile on my face
On my face oooh

It's not that easy (thing to do)
Sometimes its hard to (face the truth)
It's not the life that I would choose
But what else can I do if he don't love me, no
If he don't want me
I'm not about to sit around
Let myself go (gooooo)

So I put on my make up
Put a smile on my face
And if anyone ask me
Everything is ok
I'm laughing 'cuz no one
Knows the joke is on me
'Cuz I'm dying inside with my pride
And a smile on my face
On my face
Singing, la la la, la la, lalala
La la, la la, la la, la la, la la,
La la la Laaaa

I'll keep singing la la la la la
Lalala, la la, la la, la la, la la
La la, la la lalaaaa
I'll keep singing la la la, la la
Lalala, la la, la la, la la, la la
La la, la la la laaaa
I'll keep singing la la la-la la la
Lalala, la la, la la, la la, la la
La la, la la la laaaa


Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices
Inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close
Don't patronize
Don't patronize

'Coz I can't make you love me
If you don't
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't
Here in the dark
In these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I feel the power
But you won't
No, you won't
'Coz I can't make you love me
If you don't

I close me eyes that I won't see
The love you don't feel
When you're holding me
Morning will come
And I'll do what's right
Just give me 'til then
To give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

'Coz I can't make you love me
If you don't
You can't make your heart feel
Something it won't
Here in the dark
In these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And I feel the power
But you won't
No, you won't
'Coz I can't make you love me

If you don't

Ooohh oohh ooohh

I'll do what's right babe
Ain't no use if I try

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Attack of the Blues

I'm not sure what's up with my mood nowadays - if it's the effect of the pills I'm taking or if it’s the chaotic collision that I call my life. I want to get away from this place. I want to go to somewhere as far as possible and figure out what’s wrong with me. Maybe I should consider seeing a shrink to pick my brain apart and decipher everything. I hate not knowing what set off my perennial blue mood…or could this be classified as depression already?

My grandparents came home from the States for a visit. My granddad's okay - I love him to bits. Now that I'm older, I understand why he was strict on me and my siblings. Now that I'm older, he's really loosened up but he never forgets to impart on me words of wisdom.

My grandmother, on the other hand, is definitely another story. Most people would castigate me for saying these words but I just hate her. To other people, she's probably the real live version of Brie from Desperate Housewives - she's good in everything she does. To me, she's the embodiment of the perfect monster. The queen of tackiness and tactlessness. Rated A nagger to the point that she won't stop 'til you do what she says. Devout Catholic to the point of being blinded by her faith dismissing people from other religions as second class citizens in the heirarchy of religion. She always has this air of superiority around her about the Roman Catholic religion being THE path to salvation.

I remember the huge hullabaloo we had in my parents house when they came home for a visit a couple of years ago. She imposed on everybody saying the rosary every night. I'm Wiccan and being such a headstrong individual, I adamantly refused to do her bidding as I felt it to be a violation of my belief system. She confronted me about it and I simply told her that I'm no longer Catholic. She asked me what religion I'm now into and told her "Buddhism." I didn't dare tell her the truth as I was afraid of her having a heart attack or something. My dad would've certainly killed me if that had happened. She responded by putting her hand above my head, closed her eyes and summoned the Holy Spirit to descend upon me so that I may be enlightened about putting myself in eternal damnation.

Don't get me wrong, I am not against rituals per se. In fact, I belive that rituals play a key role in helping you connect to the Divine, whatever you perceive him/her to be. What I am against is forcing on me rituals that are not part of my belief system. It feels as if I’m prostituting that particular religion because you go through the words and motions that doesn’t mean anything to me.

Good thing that I’ve already moved out of my parent’s place since last year. My mom obliged me to go home and say hi. I did but I went home so very late that they were already in bed. The next day, I left the house early but luckily I got to see my granddad. You can always rely on him to wake up at the crack of dawn. They’ll be here for 3 weeks and I’ll be damned sure that I keep my interaction with my grandmom to a minimum to prevent a possible flare-up.

We The Jologs: A Reation to Jawbreaker's "Walang Kwenta ang Pilipinas" by Ionaks*

I am working class, I pay my taxes, I am an "ordinary office worker," I know how it feels..... but this person, whoever he or she is, does not speak for me. While the writer did not claim that he was speaking for anyone but himself, the same passion that compelled him to compose his message is the same passion which compels me now to say my piece.

I write this for several reasons. First, the email (or more accurately, the blog entry) now circulating, as strongly-worded as it is, is bound to reach more and more people and lest more are led to believe that most of us think in the same vein, I have to say that we do not, or at least I don't. Second, many of his statements do a great manyFilipino grave disservice. Third, it is time to speak.

I am just as sick of the corruption and the scandals and the politicking. Pagod, sawa, at sukang-suka sa walang katapusang pagbabangayan, tama siya doon! Ang gobyerno ng Pilipinas ay saksakanng dumi at baho... tama ulit! We are all sick of watching these politicians fight over positions in goverment like rabied dogs, all in the name of public service kuno when in fact the only interest they ever serve is their own. But this issue goes so far beyond politics! Sino nga bang kawawa sa mga nangyayari ngayon? Kahit naman anong mangyari doon sa itaas, wala naman sa kanila ang maghihirap. Even if Gloria resigns or is removed from office, she's not going to end up anywhere near the poor house scrounging for a daily living. Lahat sila, administrasyon, oposisyon, militar, the big business players... all those powers that be who seem to be driving the country further and further into the depths of oblivion... they have nothing to lose except the opportunity to accumulate more wealth at our expense. If this country does self-destruct, all they have to do is hop on an airplane and fly, business class at that, to some other country.

At sino ang maiiwan dito? Tayo. The so-called "middle-class"... and the so-called "masa". Sama-sama tayong maiiwan dito to drown in the muck. And because of this, I see no distinction between the purported middle-class and the masa anymore, definitely not one that will help us in these trying times. To hang on to the notion that our interests are different is myopic. To believe that the middle-class have more at stake is arrogant. To continue to keep a line between "them" and "us" is elitist and wrong. It also borders on prejudice, which is unacceptable. This kind of hatred is just as bad as greed.

Look around you. Unless you are surnamed Ayala (exception na lang siguro si Joey Ayala) or Cojuancgo or Gokongwei or what have you.... working or not, MASA ka rin! So what if you dress better, or went to a private school, can speak decent English, or listen to Coldplay instead of April Boy? Does it make you more of a person? Does it make you more deserving of a better life? Does it make you more entitled to decent service from an honest government? All it makes you is, well, better-dressed and eligible for a higher tax bracket.

You know what the real differences are? The real difference between "us" and "them" is that while "we" complain about not being able to afford a fancy dinner at some expensive restaurant or buy a new pair of sneakers or get the latest cellphone, "they" worry about where to get money for their next meal. "They" worry about diseases like pneumonia and TB and not having even a hundred bucks to even go to a doctor to ask for a prescription that they won't be able to afford to buy anyway. Our children give up going to the movies; their children give up fare money and walk to school, if they are able to still go to school in the first place. The taxes that you pay may mean an out-of-town family vacation. The taxes that according to you they don't pay could spell the difference between life and death. THAT is the difference.

Paying your taxes does not make you better than anyone else. Haven't you thought about the fact that so many Filipinos are exempt from paying taxes precisely because they are too poor to pay any tax?

And for sure, kahit kailan hindi sila naging bida. Kahit kailan, hindi sila nasunod. Kahit kailan, hindi sila ever pinakinggan ng gobyerno. Pinarada si Mang Pandoy dati, yung tatlong bata naman nung panahon niGloria, pero nasaan na sila ngayon? The Government has always claimed to but has NEVER actually championed their cause. EDSA I? Mind you, hindi yun laban ng mga jologs na masa. Laban yun ng lahat ng Pilipino, led foremost by the middle-class! Lalo naman ang EDSA II which put Gloria in power. That was almost a purely middle-class movement. Maybe you're talking about the so called mob which rally to support Erap at every opportunity, but they have not been heard. More importantly, they do not properly represent the poor of this country. The "masa" can be found not only in Metro Manila; they are scattered all across these 7,107 islands of ours. High tide or low tide, they have never been empowered. They remain desolate and neglected and oppressed. True, pag kampanya sila ang bida sa plataporma, pero pagkatapos hindi ba yung mga crony na business tycoons at foreign investors din naman and naghahari? And you will deny them their right to basic government service? No need, because the Government never served them anyway.

And besides, OO, tayong working class ang nagbabayad ng buwis at OO dahil dun nabubuhay ang Pilipinas. But do you know who really keeps this country afloat, albeit barely? The farmers! The fishermen!Those people who still somehow keep the agricultural sector going. They feed you and me. Literal pa yan! Economically, agriculture is still our major industry. By traditional definitions, I'm sure kasama sila sa masa na sobrang kinagagalitan mo. Will you deny them their proper place in keeping this country alive for all of us? They probably contribute more than both you and I do. Besides, the way things are going right now, meron pa bang tao na hindi nagbabayad ng buwis one way or the other?

Yung mga big-time tax evaders, tama, sa kanila kamagalit. Pero wag doon sa maliliit na wala namang magawa.

Totoo, nakakainis ang mga tamad. At totoo naman na maraming tamad sa Pilipinas. But the poor do not have a monopoly of the indolence in this country. At sa totoo lang, hindi sila mahirap dahil tamad sila. I find it tyrannical, and such a terrifying recall to the Spanish colonial era, that some people still seem to think so. As much as there are lazy people in the squatters of Tondo, there are just as many lazy people in Forbes Park. The only difference is that they have Daddy's money to disguise their lack of productivity. At kahit tamad sila, hindi sila nagugutom.

Totoo, may mahihirap na hindi umaangat kasi tamad. Pero karamihan sa mahihirap humihirap dahil kahit anong gawin nila, hindi sila nabibigyan ng pagkakataong umayos ang buhay. Do we really believe the poor are content with their poverty and do not try to do all in their power to change their fate? Tell that to the driver of the next pedicab you ride.

The bare naked truth is, in most cases, they are simply not given the opportunity to prosper. For one, Government does not give them the education they need and deserve to equip and empower them to do better. And there's the capitalist economy of consumption and excess, where profit is the end that justifies any means, which simply will not let anyone other than the key players and investors and top-level executives have any share of the wealth. I find it strange that you shouldn't see this. You are the best example of what I mean. You complain of having to content yourself with a 10 peso waffledog at Mini-stop instead of your favorite value meal at Jollibee... yet you work your butt off, don't you? Hindi ka tamad, pero yumaman ka na ba? Like I said, masa ka rin. The simple fact is, for poor people like us, there is a much bigger hurdle than the fight against one's own "tamaditis."

You also attack those activitists who take to the streets. Unang-una, sana ihiwalay mo yung mga tunay na aktibista dun sa mga binayaran lang ng kung sinong pulitiko para manggulo. Hindi lahat ng nakikipaglaban sa kalsada walang trabaho at tamad at hindi nagbabayad ng buwis at nagbibilad sa araw para lang manggulo. There are those of them, and believe me there are many, who are decent hard-working people. They sacrifice time that could otherwise have been spent with their families to fight for what they believe in. They sacrifice the daily wages they might otherwise earn precisely because they feel that it is the future oftheir children at stake. And it is precisely because they are the disadvantaged lot that their sacrifices are even more proportionately significant. More than income, they have sacrificed life and limb for this country, and will do so again if the need arises. For anyone to scoff at this, no matter how much we disagree with the form their ideology takes, is disrespectful and cruel. It is an insult to those who have made such sacrifices, to their families who have made the sacrifices with them, and to those of us who still believe that this country, damned as it seems to be, is still worth fighting for.

Besides, ano nga bang masama sa ideolohiya? You use it like it was a bad word. What is ideology, really, but a principle by which we aspire to achieve our ideals? And what are our ideals? Better lives for ourselves and our families? A better future for our children? To live in a peaceful and just society, where there is enough for all and no one is hungry or poor or uneducated? To be called a great nation and take pride in our citizenship? Isn't that the ideal we all strive for? Ikaw, yun lang din naman ang gusto mo di ba? The ideologies may vary, but still, the ideals are the same. Bottomline: we all want the same thing. Masa man o middle class, (kahit nga yung mga mayayaman at corrupt na pulitiko, nasobrahan lang sila), we all want the same thing. Kelan ba kasi naging synonymous ang ideology sa idealismo at ang idealismo sa imposible? It is precisely because we have abandoned our ideals and idealism that we are in the muck. It is precisely because we have been so frustrated by our experiences that just the mere mention of the word "ideology" makes us cringe and turn away. But if all these ideologies die, then how will we even start to strive for our ideals? Siguro nga tama ka, mamatay na nga silang kumakapit pa sa prinsipyo at ideolohiya. Mamatay na tayong lahat.

We have different ways of fighting for what we believe in, different ways of contributing. Some of us take to the streets, some of us stand quietly by but in our hearts we protest the injustices that surround us and in our own ways, we do what we can. But I say, better do something than nothing at all. To give up now will do nothing but assure our doom.

The present political crisis is more than just political. True, this needs to be resolved and at the soonest possible time. But however which way this plays out...what we need to assure is that we do not let this happen again. Like I said, tayo ang kawawa. Buti sana if the effects of these political upheavals are contained only amongst those people who keep on playing musical chairs with the seats of power. Pero hindi eh. Lahat tayo, apektado. From ordinary office workers to the jobless man with five mouths to feed waiting at home, tamad man o hindi, we are the ones who suffer. These political maneuverings have translated into decades of poverty for so many and that makes me sick and livid with anger. It makes my heart break. And we are all accountable for that. Yes, all of us. And merely paying our taxes does not make us blameless.

We are accountable in so many ways that may seem innocuous but are just as dangerous nonetheless. We are accountable when we vote for a person because of nothing else than kababayan natin siya, or tatay siya ng kaklase natin sa elementary, o nakikita natin siya sa pelikula, o gwapo siya o maganda. We are accountable when we go to the LTO and bribe the employees there so we don't have to spend two hours in line. We are accountable when we solicit favors from politicians and public servants and contribute to the prevalence of patronage politics. We are accountable when we allow our friends or relatives to solicit (or grant!) those favors. We are accountable when we engage in business practices that deprive laborers of their fair and just wages just so we could keep our profit levels as high as we possibly can with nary a thought of how we owe to our employees not just to give them wages but to raise their quality of life.

We are accountable when, in the name of job and investment generation, we develop industries and technologies that wreak havoc on the environment and the health of local communities thereby effectively pushing them once and for all into a place of irrevocable poverty and true disenfranchisement.

More so we are accountable when we sit by and say nothing or do nothing to register our dissent and make things change. We are our own worst enemies. But, we could also be our own best friends.

I say this to you in fellowship and with respect for the great love you have for our country, which is obvious in spite of your disillusion and decision to give up. Go. Be the proverbial rat who abandons the sinking ship. Save yourself and pursue the life you want. You have a right to it. Iwan mo kaming bayan ng mga jologs.

Like I said, I respect your opinion. Hindi kita inaaway, and if I sound like it, I apologize. Actually, ito naman talaga ang punto ko: Hindi tayo ang magkaaway dito, just as much as I believe na hindi yung mga aktibista sa kalye o mahihirap na hindi makapagbayad ng buwis and kaaway mo. I cannot accept that they should deserve this kind of ire. And I find it counterproductive, to say the least, to put the impoverished majority of this country on the other side of the fence. You are angry, which is how most of us feel, but your anger is somewhat misdirected. Para sa akin, nakakatakot kung ganyan ngang mag-isip talaga ang lahat ng "middle-class." Rage against the corrupt and greedy people in power and I will rage with you. Rage against those who resort to murder and terrorism to get what they want. But please, spare the rest of us who just like you, flawed as we are, are just victims here.

And herein lies the crux: we may be victims here, but we are not helpless. We have to fight together. We must exercise discernment and distinguish propaganda from truth. Now is not the time to point fingers at each other and call each other names and wish each other one-way trips to hell. We must identify who and what the real enemies are; and in my heart of hearts, I know that I will not find them in the shanty towns of Manila.

There is so much that ails our country. There is something so terribly wrong when you live in a society where some people can afford 700,000 peso TV sets while just a few feet away there are children dying of malnutrition. The fact that even people with the greatest love for this country give up and leave, is the saddest commentary of all. As urgent as the need to change the people who govern us, is the need to change so many of the intrinsic things that make our systems and institutions so vulnerable to manipulation by the few. Not the least of these things is our own individual tolerance. There is much work to be done. And it must start, now. You're right. What we need is radical change. A revolution is in order. A real one. One that will go beyond changing the names of the people we empower to abuse us. Take that statement however which way you want. Take it to the streets, if you will. But my real prayer is that you take it to your heart. Evaluate. Discern. Participate. Change. Sacrifice. Hope. Act.

And yes, leave if you must. I wish you the best of luck, too. And one day, I hope that you will come back to a Philippines that we, the jologs, will have rebuilt to make you proud.

*Disclaimer - the views expressed in this article is solely by the writer ionaks

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Anatomy of the Female Brain

Gone out with Gilbert twice and everything's going swimmingly well. We've been shamelessly flirting through text since the time we met and I always let him make the first move in everything. I found myself liking him a lot to the point that I am starting to let down my guard when everything just stopped all of a sudden. I haven't heard from him in the last 24 hours which is quite unusual. He'd always text me once he's in the office to let me know what's going on. I sent him 3 text messages but I didn't get any reply. By the time my lunch break came, I found myself obssessing about his silence.

The only time I obssess about someone is if I really like that person. I'd like to believe that he has a valid reason for staying so quiet but at the same time, a million negative thoughts rush through my head faster than mach 12. What if he lost his phone? What if he really has a girlfriend - or a fiance at that? What if he's in an accident? Blah, blah, blah...

Talked to my girlfriends and they all came to the same conclusion - he's just that not into me. To say that I was in disbelief is an understatement. My mind's going through all the times that we've been together, the times that he texts me to see if I'm doing alright or if he just wanted to give me a kiss (through text). I didn't seem to find any indication that things will end up this way. He was sweet, charming and very refined compared to most guys I've dated.

I'm fine moving on to the next guy but what really pisses me off would be my brain focusing on the possibilities of us in a relationship. Our status is undefined right now and I was thinking that maybe I should've asked him where we're really headed. Maybe it the way the female brain is programmed - thinking way too far ahead and making assumptions from what little evidence we may have at hand.

My phone rings - it's Gilbert. He's called to apologize for not being able to reply to my text messages. His mom always borrows his phone when she goes to their neighborhood association's meetings. Last night, she used it as usual but Gilbert was already asleep by the time she got back to the house. I know that Gilbert's always in a rush during the morning - from the time he wakes up until he gets to the office. It was only in his office that he found out his phone ran out of battery. To make matters worse, he had to go to a trade fair somewhere in the metropolis and unfortunately, they don't have any electrical outlets.

Now, my world's okay again. I'd have to carefully disect his explanation though because I've been to trade fairs myself several times to know that there is always at least one electrical outlet assigned to each booth. On the other hand, he sounded very tired and very sincere when he apologized. No use letting him beat himself up for the slip-up so I lied and told him that it's not his fault, that the circumstances were beyond his control. At the back of my mind though, it served as a warning for me to not let my guard down completely.

I believe that the human race is essentially good but when it comes to matters of the heart, I don't abide by that belief system anymore after having my heart broken by the one person that I trusted the most - and he happened to be one of my closest friends.

Monday, August 01, 2005


After one and a half years of being single, I'm finally dating someone on a regular basis. At this point in time, I could say that Gilbert is an awesome guy - he's fun to be with and he's great to talk to. He exudes a sweet, boy-next-door vibe with a streak of devilish naughtiness. I get that kilig feeling when he holds my hand and the time I discovered how much of a great kisser he is (Most Filipino guys I've had the chance of snogging are just so very bad - they tend to favor the sloppy wet kiss that I liken to your pet dog licking your entire face). I know I should be happy but somehow, I'm not.

He makes me feel vulnerable and I just hate feeling that way. He resembles my last ex, the one who broke my heart, to a certain degree. They sport the same haircut, they're the same age and they're from the same school. It's a good thing though that they don't know one another. Is this a mere coincidence or is it a conspiracy of the Powers that be?

How do you open up to someone without feeling vulnerable? I fear that I may be setting myself up for another heartbreak. It took me a long time to get over that asshole and I don't know what I'll do if it'll happen again. I try not to dwell on the negativity on my head because if I let my fear rule my life then I'll probably end up with a lot of shoulda, coulda, woulda's. That'll be even sadder.