Being In The Twilight Zone

I've been out of Manila Times since May and it's been great. My stay with that company has been drastically shortened by two weeks with shit that went down between me, my ex-boss Mike and his Hell's spawn of an assistant Arabel. That's a story that I'll reserve for some other time.

Since June, I've settled back into vampire mode with my new job at Branders. That's right, I'm back in the night shift world although my work now is about 10 millions miles away from your regular, run-of-the-mill call center job. Although my work involves being on the phone most of the time, I go by my own schedule. And best of all, where would you find a company that lists catered employee meals (read my lips -- it's all for free!) as part of their employee benefits?!?

It's been a real sweet life for the past couple of months and was very much looking forward to the next year or two. Midday Wednesday while I was sound asleep, my mom woke me up for a phone call. I was still too groggy to be totally pissed but I took the call anyway.

On the other line was a guy telling me about an online exam I have to be in Saturday afternoon. My jaw almost dropped to the floor when he introduced himself as an FAO staff member. He adds that I'm qualified for the Programme Clerk position I applied for almost 6 months ago. At the time that I submitted my application to the Food and Agricultural Organization of the United Nations, I didn't receive any confirmation whatsoever from them so i thought I didn't make the cut and gave up on it.

Now, I'm on the brink of freaking out and I'm trying to control it by reading up as much as I can about the FAO. I have no clue as to what questions would be asked of me on the exam and the best that I could do is to prepare.

I don't know what's going to happen next but I hope that it'll work out for the best. Whether I move on to another job and another routine or continue with the one that I have now, I'd still be very happy. Branders has been very good me since day one and I wouldn't mind staying.

Pulling Away

2 May 2007

It’s just you and me now
Not a single soul in sight
You’re pulling away again now
And that’s something baby
That I just don’t understand
You say you’re not big now
On little displays of affection
Things that lovers do

It’s just you and me now
Not a single soul in sight
You’re pulling away again now
And it’s got me thinking
If maybe I did something wrong
Forego this silence my dear
And let me know everything
All that you have to say

It’s just you and me now
Not a single soul in sight
You’re pulling away again now
And I’m left here wondering
Sitting numbly with disbelief
If maybe this could be
Your way of telling me
You’re letting me go now

It’s just you and me now
Not a single soul in sight
You’re pulling away again now
And I’m going out of my mind
Pondering if it’s just me
Or if you’re still not over her
If I’m merely imagining
All these things in my head now

It’s just you and me now
Not a single soul in sight
You’re pulling away again now
And I wish that you’d just hold me
My darling on this restless night
Let me know everything’s ok
Even though it may be a lie
Or that this might be the last

Grow

26 April 2007

There was a time sometime ago
When I believed in fairy tales
Of gallant knights galloping about
Always riding into the sunset
Dragons slayed and conquered lands
Princesses in fancy ball gowns
That was a lifetime ago
So far removed from me now

And I’ve grown up
Though I don’t know
If I’ve grown wise
And I’ve grown so big and tall
Though I still don’t know
If I’ve grown strong
If I’ve really grown up
Or merely grew old

There was a time sometime ago
When I would wish for love
And love indeed came to me
But several times it flew away
Taking with it everything of me
Now I pray for love never to return
The gaping hole in my heart
I proudly parade as badge of my naivete

And I’ve grown up
Though I don’t know
If I’ve grown wise
And I’ve grown so big and tall
Though I still don’t know
If I’ve grown strong
If I’ve really grown up
Or merely grew old

I stand in the mirror and see
What the years have made of me
Looking at the woman I am now
And the girl that I was
Twinkle in the eyes are gone
Face ravaged, a broken smile
Disappointments and regrets
Seething from beneath

And I’ve grown up
Though I don’t know
If I’ve grown wise
And I’ve grown so big and tall
Though I still don’t know
If I’ve grown strong
If I’ve really grown up
Or merely grew old

Untitled Poetry 2

26 April 2007

Sitting here with Tori Amos in my ears
She reminds me of the melancholy
I have over you, do you know?
Told everybody I’m just being a friend
Now that I’ve gone in deep and fast
Walls you built keep closing in on me
When’d you become this aloof?
How can you stay so cool?

We both know what lies ahead
People who might say we ain’t right
People who will say anything
You say you’re only being careful
Why listen to and worry about them?
Let down your guard, my dear
And just hold me close tonight
And let me see the you that you hide so well

This can’t be worth all this pain
I’ve harbored inside this frail, shambling heart
Walk away, I’ve thought so many times
So weak over you have I become
I cower and let you take away
Another piece of my heart bit by bit
A smile on my face permanently etched
With which to fool you, fool me

We both know what lies ahead
People who might say we ain’t right
People who will say anything
You say you’re only being careful
Why listen to and worry about them?
Let down your guard, my dear
And just hold me close tonight
And let me see the you that you hide so well

I’ve bared to you everything of me
Yet you haven’t fully shown me yours
Hide beneath the simplicity of your complexity
Throwing me a story or two
Let them say what they want to say
Let down your guard, my dear
And just hold me close tonight
And let me see the you that you hide so well

We both know what lies ahead
People who might say we ain’t right
People who will say anything
You say you’re only being careful
Why listen to and worry about them?
Let down your guard, my dear
And just hold me close tonight
And let me see the you that you hide so well

Untitled

I stare at your face
And look you in the eye
Out in the balcony that day
If only you knew how much
How badly I wanted to hold you tight
In your voice, a calm anger
Bits and pieces from your past
How she hurt you, broke you

I can be here beside you
‘Cause you said you want me to
And I can hold your hand
Make you forget about her
Baby maybe I can take her place
But I can’t undo what she did

I’ve always been on the outside
Trying to look inside your life
Now that the wish’s been granted, I see
How boundless your love is
You tell me you hate her
But you just can’t bear
Hurting her yourself
Hurting her yourself

I can be here beside you
‘Cause you said you want me to
And I can hold your hand
Make you forget about her
Baby maybe I can take her place
But I can’t undo what she did

And that’s what kills me
She left you an empty shell
She left me with a memory
Of how you used to be
She left you an empty shell
She left me with a memory
Of how you used to be

I can be here beside you
‘Cause you said you want me to
And I can hold your hand
Make you forget about her
Baby maybe I can take her place
But you’ll never be the same

Leslie 17 January 2007

Through Hell and Back

Due to my grandparents going back to Manila for a vacation, everything at home has turned topsy turvy. That includes where we’re supposed to put away our stuff and that resulted into my not locating some of my stuff since last week. To make sure that I didn’t put it away and forgot about it, I rummaged through the possible places it could have been in in the hallway. I looked at my drawer and found some old credit card billing statements from two years ago and was surprised to see what was written in it.

I was surprised because there were some months wherein I didn’t use my credit card at all and my average monthly bill was only about less than Php2,000.00 per month. Well, that was also the time that I still gave my dad payment for my cell phone bill. I had mixed feelings about it. So, I haven’t always been this mindless, swipe-addicted consumer. What the hell then, happened between then and now? What triggered the dreadful shopaholic in me?

When I first started working, some people knew me as money-savvy, always the wisest when it comes to building up my savings account. Somewhere along the way, I’ve lost control and became known as a shopping fanatic. Maybe it was the emotional instability from events in my personal life but shopaholicism stayed long after the emotional turmoil was over. I, in fact, relished it and indulged in my excesses.

I could remember a time when I would look at my friend Chawdie in disbelief on how reckless she was with using her credit card swiping it left and right for goods, services and gadgets that cost twice or thrice as much as our salaries. Sadly, I’ve become not just a spitting image but exactly like her. I wish I could say it was beyond my control but that is just one big, fat lie. I was well aware of what I was doing to myself and did not do diddley squat about it.

Regrets, truly are, always towards the end of any situation. No matter how many times I wished I could have done differently, I cannot possibly go back in time to undo them all. I’ve hit rock bottom and that made my resolve to change the way things are even stronger. I still struggle every now and then but the path’s now clear to me. Sometimes you gotta go through hell and back for a lesson to hit home.

Something to Cringe About

My last blog entry got me thinking about my family more. I kept running scenarios in my head about what the possibilities are if my cousins in L.A. come across this blog and they get to read my very unflattering remarks about my grandmother. My Catholic schooled cousins Michelle (16ish), Melissa (tweenish) and Michael (10ish) are goody-two shoes. I don’t know how much in agreement they are with the reviled grandmother of mine but based on what I’ve seen every time I’m there, I think she’s pretty much in control of what their general world views are.

What makes it even more complicated is that they live right across my grandparent’s flat. It literally takes me about 3 minutes to go from my grandparent’s 2nd floor apartment, down the stairs, out the gate, cross Ardmore St. to my uncle and aunt’s 2-storey bungalow.

My aunt, my dad’s only female sibling, is as devout as my grandmother although she’s a little progressive – teensy weensy little. I remember a couple of years ago, my grandmother and I clashed just as I was about to leave for LAX for my return flight to Manila. She was forcing to recite one of her stupid novenas and being the hard headed pig that I am (I was born on 1983, ok?) I refused to budge until we came to a standstill. She wouldn’t let me out the door until I do the order that she barked but I was able to get out of the situation because my uncle was concerned about me missing my flight.

While in transit, my aunt was giving me a lecture about how Catholics are going to be saved first compared to people from other faiths. It was such bullshit that I wanted to snap back at her by saying how can they be saved first if the leader of the flock can’t keep their pants up around altar boys. This was around the time of the Catholic priests/child molesters/sex predators fiasco happened. I didn’t say anything of course but I certainly could’ve gone on and on using my grandmother’s idiosyncrasies as an example but I already look like the bad guy because of what happened earlier that evening so I just kept those thoughts in my mind.

Moving on, I don’t think that Michelle, Melissa or Michael are the type to get me into trouble but this is family that we’re talking about and they might feel that they have a right to say their piece to defend their dear, old grandma. The worst part would be if they’d show it to their parents and then transmit the information to my parents.

What if they read my old entries? A big part of my life is revealed to very few people – and by that I mean my sister Louise (and Angelee at times) – and well, I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody gets a heart attack or I get booted out of the family tree by force.

One reason why I had the blog was to share my world. It is one thing for strangers to read, quite another for family members. I could stop writing about things that might get me into trouble but where’s the fun in that if I keep it to myself? Besides, I use my blog to update friends on how I’m doing. Especially friends that are so far away from my reach. Oh well, I’ll take my chances.