Living It Up Ala Sex and The City

I’ve been talking to Martin today via e-mail and our correspondences have become very personal over the past week. Today he wrote that he’s tired of kindergarten relationships and I know exactly what he means. How could I not know? I’ve been there and done that from cheap thrills and one-night stands to pseudo-relationships.

Don’t we all look forward to being in a loving, stable and committed relationship? I certainly do. Although, I must admit that for a time I was enthralled with the ‘Sex and the City’ lifestyle. I just came out of a failed relationship that was just too painful to handle. I know I should’ve confronted the resulting heartbreak but I didn’t. I just didn’t want to deal with it, especially since I just started with my first job.

I remember that we were in training and I found it hard to concentrate on what was being discussed. I was seated at the back of the room with my newly found friends. I would often stare into space and just let a million random things run through my head. My thoughts would suddenly go back to Jay and I’d just be so broken up in an instant. My friend John would see what’s happening and “he” could just tell that something’s wrong with me. I don’t know how many times I’ve cried my eyes out in front of “him.” John’s gay, by the way.

I was a very big fan of Sex and the City when it first came out. Pretty soon, I was channeling Carrie Bradshaw, Samantha Jones, Charlotte York and Miranda Hobbes into me as they all resonate different facets of my personality. I was able to relate to Carrie the most because in a way, we were in a similar situation – the writer that fell for the guy that was so wrong for her.

The SATC lifestyle, aside from looking very fabulous, there’s just something about it that felt liberating for me. Everybody seemed carefree at times and dilly-dallied into unpredictable and hilarious situations. Liberating, in the sense that it seemed like heartaches are a million miles away. It worked for a time until the reality of it all hit me – it left me feeling empty and shallow.

That realization finally forced me to face what I’ve been putting off for the longest time. It’s not easy mending a heart that had been trampled on by the person you loved the most. But it’s even harder to continue leading a life full of facades.

I’m okay now. I’m at peace with myself and with the universe, taking everything one day at a time. I trust the infinite wisdom of the Universe on what it has in store for me. My only wish is that I don’t grow up to be as old as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda before I find the kind of loving, stable and committed relationship that I’m looking for.