Coincidence?

While I was preparing to dress up for work this morning, the telly was tuned in to ‘The Insider’ and the major story was about the anorexic Australian twins. I was mortified to see how frail and sickly they look. They’re only in their 30’s and yet they look as if they’ve already hit their 90’s.

When I got to the office, the first thing I saw in my mailbox was the new digest from WebMD and the focus is on Ana and Mia. I read all the related articles about them at such lightning speed that I was done in no time. I suddenly thought about the past and everything just makes sense now. I AM ANOREXIC… or at least, I used to be.

The earliest memory that I have of me obsessing about my weight was when I was about 8 or 9, I was sitting at the kitchen table with my grandmother and her younger sister. They were trying to offer me some hopia for merienda but I declined, saying I’m going to get fat or something. Instantly, my grandmother began her tirade about Karen Carpenter and her death. I’m not really sure what specific day that was but I think that was the time after I saw a tv-movie about her. I think that that was also the time that my grandmother introduced the term ‘anorexia’ to me. I didn’t fully grasp the concept behind that big word until a couple of years later.

I was in high school and the thing I remember the most was me joining my friends in the library for our entire lunch break just to read books. The thought about me eating during recess is also kind of fuzzy. Practically the same thing happened during my college years – going out with my friends for lunch break just to watch them eat saying that I’m not that hungry. Summer breaks, I remember exercising like crazy – 60 to 90 minutes straight in the Thread Mill or in the Stair Master and eat only crackers throughout the entire day for weeks on end. I researched a lot on the internet anything and everything about dieting and losing weight.

Things would get worse a couple of weeks before our scheduled mandatory check ups in the clinic. I obsessed a lot about reaching my target weight – no more than 80 pounds and would weigh myself everyday to see how my progress is. That perverted attitude continued up to the time that I entered the work force but it didn’t really last long. I think I grew tired of it after how many years. On the one hand, the stress from my old job taught me the concept of food being my way to cope. Up to now, I’m not really sure what happened that just shook me up completely about my old eating habits. Maybe it was a combination of everything. I mean, I did discover how much fun exercise could be when I bought my first Swiss/gym/physio ball or whatever you want to call it.

I’m wondering now what would’ve happened if my distorted thoughts about my body image prevailed. I could honestly say that I’m okay now in terms of eating and dieting but I still observe that sometimes when people notice that I’ve been gaining weight, my knee jerk reaction would be very averse when the three letter word is mentioned within their comment – F, A and T.