The Biggest Lie

Martin wrote to me early last week that he recently went out with his ex-girlfriend Dani to a club in Frankfurt two weekends ago. He adds that she’s taking a break from her studies in Holland and recently came back to town. His good friend Bene accompanied him and she as well by her Finnish friend (he didn’t tell me her name). Things didn’t go well throughout the entire trip because when they got to the club, they had a ‘Gay and Lesbian’ night theme (not that he’s homophobic – his best friend Michael’s bi) and their misfortune was topped off with a huge row between him and Dani about things that happened in the past when they were still together. I admit that I was a tad bit curious as to what it was about but didn’t really bother asking since it’s their business and not mine.

Anyways, that just got me thinking – the biggest lie that you could ever say to someone after you’ve broken up is ‘Can we still be friends?’ Sure, there might be a number of cases wherein it’s highly successful but in most cases, it’s not. I mean, there’s a lot of complications and as well as questions with regards to being friends with an ex. Is it really over? How could you expect to move on if constantly you’re reminded of her/him or his/her presence still hovers near? Are both parties ready to face the nuclear fallout that breaking up has created? How do you handle snoopy friends and relatives? What if one of you finds a new love? Would you be able to find the necessary closure if that would be the situation?

I have two unique experiences on being friends with an ex. My first ex was Alvin, a guy I dated for a little over a year. He’s an okay guy but I just fell out of “love” (for lack of a better term) with him. We still kept in touch until he found out I was seeing my next ex – Jay.

Jay and I started out as really close friends. I knew he had a girlfriend but he kept on telling me that he fell for me due to our constant togetherness. Our personalities jibed really well, our schools are adjacent to one another and his house is just walking distance away from mine. He would often pick me up to and from my house to school and when we were in school, we would meet during breaks to smoke (footnote: I no longer smoke) at our spot – the famed “Friendship Bridge” that connected Miriam College and Ateneo de Manila University. We would always hang out together during the weekends. There were times when we were together 7 days a week while he and his girlfriend (now his wife) Abby haven’t seen or spoken to each other for days.

As soon as Jay entered the picture, Alvin became increasingly agitated until he got to the point that he finally ‘fessed up – that he wants us to get back together. The lowest that Alvin ever went to was to beg repeatedly for us to give the relationship a second shot. I said ‘no’ and that just broke his heart.

With Jay, he said that he’ll break up with the both of us so that he could think things over after our mutual friend Coco found out about our coupling. Soon afterwards, I found myself just being friends with him – hanging out in this particular fishball store half-way between his house and mine. We still talked the way we talked before and there was no indication of trouble whatsoever. At that time, I was still hopeful that things would turn out okay for “us” but he just faded away. I would text him but I wouldn’t get a reply. Just about the only time he tried to contact me was when he wanted to “make love” as he would call it; that was about after a year. It was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made – I agreed for old time’s sake thinking he’s going to keep his promise to come back when he’s free. When we were done, he was suddenly very distant and cold and I’ve never heard from him ever again.

I felt crushed. Crushed that he gave me false hope. Crushed that I was too stupid not to see it coming. Crushed that my heart got broken into a million pieces as he left me standing there in my driveway – too stunned for words and too numb to cry.