Almost, But Not Quite

I just got this spam from one of my classmates way back in high school. This is exactly why I want to be crystal clear about the status of my relationships whether it be just dating or going steady.

This Side Up : *Parang kayo, pero hindi*

She is a 24-year old copywriter. He is an architect. They met and became lovers in college. They broke up last year but remained to be "friends." They send sweet text messages and he calls her often to make sure she's okay. They still date. They still have candy. They don't see anyone else. It is obvious that they still love each other but when asked about their situation, she doesn't know the real score. Even her friends are in the dark. "Parang sila, pero hindi."

She works in telecom. He is reviewing for the board. They are in the same barkada. They talk on the phone till 4 am. He gives her chocolates, flowers and CDs even when there is no occasion. Their friends are suspecting something. Bakit sila nagsosolo kapag may overnight inuman (Why do they always go on their own during overnight drinking sessions)? Why does he hold her close on the dance floor? Bakit sila magkaholding hands lagi (Why do they always hold hands)? Sila kaya (Are they together)? "He hasn't admitted anything," she rants. "But I let him hug and kiss me. "Parang kami, pero hindi."

They work together in an ad agency. After office, they would watch movie, have dinner and stroll at Glorietta. She gave him Harry Potter books for his birthday in exchange for posing as her boyfriend to make an ex jealous. They made out during the company outing in Subic and never talked about it. He said "I love you" once but she wasn't sure if she heard him correctly because they were both drunk then. But one thing she is sure of is her feelings for him. She likes him. And she's assuming that with what he's doing to her and with her, he likes her, too. There's just one hitch: he has a girlfriend!

She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out. They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that "sila na (they're a couple)" but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't talk about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her friends. "What's important is I am enjoying this -- whatever it is."

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala (They may have agreed upon it verbally or they may have not). One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi (it's also possible that one or both of you didn't). You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari (No formal courtship happened). Hindi kayo mag-dyowa (You're not a couple). Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi (But with your actions, with what both of you are saying, you seem to be together but you're not).

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan (you just don't want to get back together).

It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam (you and the guy/girl are trying to figure out if the both of you feel the same way) . Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna (It's also possible that you just don't want to take things seriously so you opt to go for the pseudo-relationship). Testing lang (You're just testing the waters).

Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na (It is also possible that you can't be a couple because one of you -- usually they guy -- has a significant other already). Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo" (Until such time as he breaks up with the girl (he tells you he's going to break up with her soon but he still hasn't done it yet), you don't have any relationship to speak of so it wouldn't technically be considered as cheating because "you're not together").

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro" (Especially if you're only looking for someone to "have fun" with).

Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan (Just don't expect that it'll lead to something because there's no assurance).

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan (So why are there a lot of people that choose to settle with this kind of set up when there is no assurance that it'll lead to something)?


Iba't ibang dahilan (There are many reasons). Puwedeng for fun lang (It could be just for fun). Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom" (It could be "better to have something than nothing" or it could also be your ticket to your next meal). Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian (Meaning, until the real thing arrives, you stay put with the pseudo-relationship).

For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig (there's no direct translation for this Tagalog word but it is somewhat akin to having butterflies in your stomach)" feeling.

Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako (I do admit that once upon a time, I did have pseudo-relationships). No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.

My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala (better to have something than nothing)."

Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling (All that I'm after is the feeling of having butterflies in your stomach). Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko (Where there's someone who asks you how your day went). Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing (Wherein you have someone to cuddle with in beach outings). Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message (Wherein you smile when you hear your cellphone ringing because you know the message came from him/her). Iyong merong laging kasama (Wherein you always have someone with you). Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan (Until the real thing arrives, you'll make do with what you have).

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi (the woman always gets the shortchanged).

Una (First), you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo (What's your place in each other's lives)? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi (Do you have the right to ask him to pick you up from somewhere when it's really late)? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos (What are you to him for you to get jealous)?

Pangalawa (Second), what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya (You might only be assuming that he loves you too). Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang (You just might embarrass yourself). This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo (Third), what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?

Isa pang (Another) downside ng (of) pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship (you don't know where to put yourself in a pseudo-relationship). Wala kang pinanghahawakan (You don't have anything to hold on to). Kasi sa (Because in) pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang (There is only) "you and me," hindi (not) "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo (It'll be okay if you'll only feel pseudo-pain). Kaso, hindi eh (But the thing is, it's not). Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun (even if the pseudo-relationship's over, you can't help but hope that it'll have a continuance one day). And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that the guy is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.

Ang hirap, ano (It's hard isn't it)? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.

Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh (But you can always prevent feeling the pain). Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future (You could just not think of the future) and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili (you would have to choose). You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka (If I can't talk you out of it, fine have it your way). Magpakasaya ka (Be happy). Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita (Just don't come to me crying afterwards or I will kick your ass)."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo (The bottom line is if it makes you happy then do it). Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence (Just prepare yourself for the consequences). Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo (The "parang kayo pero hindi" stage rarely leads to a real relationship). Usually, hanggang doon lang siya (that's where it ends)…almost, but not quite.