"Forget Prince Charming. I'll take the wolf." - Emily the Strange

Friday, August 11, 2006

Dear Jon...

I parted ways with someone very special over the weekend. Well, sort of. It started innocently enough with our long overdue plans of hooking up for the first time in years. But we ended up breaking hearts and with buckets of tears between us. I’m talking about Jon and I.

Jon was supposed to drop by my house a week but bailed out the last minute due to unforeseen circumstances. Last Saturday, his schedule was clear and I should be happy, right? I should have been but that was cut short by something coming up on mine. I was just so frustrated that I thought about everything. The thought that us not meant to see each other hit me like a tidal wave.

Remember what I wrote about Jon on my previous entry? As much as I hate to admit it, we were having an emotional affair. Jon would call me regularly, almost everyday and he would always be the first and last person that I talk throughout the entire day. Our conversation was just like it was a couple of years ago. Only this time though he would add to our informal list of things to talk about information that he would withhold from his girlfriend. I didn’t know why he did that but it has certainly made me understand him and his way of thinking better. And I certainly didn’t expect that our talk about nothing would turn into something.

That night that we were talking, I didn’t know what got into me but I just thought about walking away and stop communicating with him. It was both an irrational and rational move on my part. Irrational in the sense that things are kind of ho-hum; rational because I still can’t get the feeling that I’m only second string out of my mind. Jon tried his best to reassure me that I’m not but it’s a lie. His girl would always come first – that’s why he’s always the first one to initiate the conversation.

Ours was a complicated friendship/love affair of sorts but it’s funny because somehow it worked. Maybe because we both know what our boundaries are. He admits to me that he gets jealous every time he would ask me how my day went and I tell him about my dates. He would sheepishly add that he doesn’t have the right to tell me to stop seeing whichever guy but that’s how he feels. I, on the other hand, am a bit envious of his girl. He’s with her everyday and yet she seems to take him for granted. She doesn’t know how lucky she is.

Jon and I both have feelings for each other but I opted to walk away. I’ve been in a similar situation before and it ended in total heartbreak. I felt that the situation I was in with Jon was becoming more and more like the situation with Jay. I don’t want it to happen again. I was thinking that maybe this is my second chance to right the wrong that I did four years ago. Besides, I really couldn’t comprehend how he can tell me that he loves me and then on the same breath say to me that his girlfriend’s the one.

I sent Jon a text message saying I want out. He didn’t get it at first but when he finally did it was a complete sapfest. It was kind of like going through the stages of death at a really accelerated pace – anger, denial, resentment, resignation.

I was conflicted from that point on until the following morning. I felt like rejoicing and shooting myself at the same time. I was on my way to the office when I got another text message from him. He says he wants to meet me even at the risk of his girlfriend’s friends and acquaintances seeing the both of us together. He couldn’t wait until I was done with my appointment that he got on his car as soon as he woke up. He was supposed to go to the gym but he was too spaced out to even think about working out.

I thought it was pretty stupid but I agreed to meet him. The whole situation is pretty stupid if you ask me. It’s paradoxical because it’ll be the first time I’ll see him in two to three years and this might potentially turn out to be the last. The pull of my wanting closure and my wanting to say goodbye properly was too strong to resist. My dad dropped me off at the MRT Magallanes station and I took the train to the Taft Avenue station. Jon picked me up from that place and we drove around the Roxas Boulevard, Port Area and Aduana area while we talked about what our next step should be. I’m happy that we would be able to save the friendship. We’re giving each other a year to think things through before we communicate with each other again.

I stopped believing in happy endings years ago but I certainly hope that this’ll be an ending that I could live with. The only lingering question in my head right now is if I’m destined to be that one girl that straightens guys out for the next one that comes along or in two cases, the ones they’re already with.

Hope is not the conviction that things would turn out well but the belief that it all makes sense no matter how it ends.

I trust and believe in the infinite wisdom of the Universe.


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